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Personal Story: “My Feelings About Donor Egg May Always Be Complex”

Personal Story: “My Feelings About Donor Egg May Always Be Complex”

I still ache to have a genetic child, and that feeling may always be with me. At the same time, I delight in my daughter and love her too much to want to redo anything. She is the child I want to see grow up.

BY CAMILLA KANE

Before Becoming a Mom…

I have talked with many people who have adopted or used donor eggs or sperm, and they all say the same thing: “It doesn’t matter at all! This is our child one thousand percent.” Really? Does it not matter at all? So why do we try so hard to have biological children? Perhaps I’ll end up feeling just like these parents in the end, but I can’t quite believe it from this side of the fence.

The full force of not having your biological baby doesn’t really hit you until it is your genes on the chopping block. I know this because we experimented with donor sperm, and it felt very different…

Continue reading “My Feelings About Donor Egg May Always Be Complex” on AdoptiveFamilies.com.

Personal Story: “My Feelings About Donor Egg May Always Be Complex” Reviewed by on . I still ache to have a genetic child, and that feeling may always be with me. At the same time, I delight in my daughter and love her too much to want to redo a I still ache to have a genetic child, and that feeling may always be with me. At the same time, I delight in my daughter and love her too much to want to redo a Rating: 0

Comments (2)

  • Carlos

    Wow, this is exactally how I feel. I’m 33 and my huansbd and I have been trying for 6 1/2 years. IVF is not in our budget, but we’ve tried just about everything else. I do feel broken sometimes and shameful. But then 10 months ago, we met someone who was going to put their baby up for adotion. 3 months later Benjamin was born and my huansbd and I were able to be there for his birth. He is 7 months old today. He is our world. I still long be experience pregnancy and birth. but I’ve learned that sometimes when God closes a door, he really does open a window. Thank you for sharing your stories, they are healing to know I’m not alone.

  • mar

    Its good the author is being honest about her feelings because that is exactly how the child of an egg donor and (I guess sperm donor as well?) is going to feel right back – so at least there is empathy for one another maybe? As much as the author wishes to raise her own children, the child she’s raising wishes to be raised by her own parents. For the child it is even more logical because she does have parents who she is the offspring of, they exist and so does their maternal and paternal family only they did not want to raise them and therefore they are separated from their family. For the author the desire is to raise a child she’d have with her husband and that child was never born and does not exist so the situations are similar but the authors is a figurative loss of an imagined child whereas the child’s is the literal separation from parents who rejected her and separation from a family who might also reject her if she reached out to them. I don’t think the author will need to worry about the donor’s offspring feeling like she’s not enough for her and her husband. She will understand that she is not the child they wanted but one they wanted to get instead and sill love – she’ll know they did make an effort to get a child like her by selecting her particular parents to reproduce with her as the desired result.

    She won’t feel good enough for her parents who did not want to raise her and that is going to be something to grapple with. But at least the author has a foundation for empathy she understands feelings of loss herself and can help the child cope.

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